


ghostin

by daniuwuxx



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Best Friends, Bittersweet Ending, Grief/Mourning, Inspired by an Ariana Grande Song, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:40:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26549878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daniuwuxx/pseuds/daniuwuxx
Summary: Jeno knew from the very beginning, he can never win a fight against someone’s ghost.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Mark Lee/Na Jaemin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	ghostin

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this in a span of a few hours so don't expect too much. Yes, this was inspired by Ariana Grande's ghostin and her real life drama romance. I've always wanted to write this dynamic, maybe in the future I could rewrite this but here's a shitty version 🤓

Looking from the outside, people would think Jeno has the perfect life. He’s the youngest most sought after architect in their city, he’s recently engaged and they just bought a house together. He had never imagined a life with Jaemin and yet, here he was. 

Their wedding is a few weeks away and they never planned to buy the house this early. Jeno has always wanted to design the home his family will live in the future. But the moment he saw the cozy cottage in the middle of a forest one day while he got lost going to a client’s site, he knew then. 

He knew Jaemin would fall in love with it. His fiance is a photographer who’s known for his faerie aesthetic. He always somehow makes his subject so magical and beautiful, his audience almost believe fairies were real. So right off the bat, Jeno knew this cottage was Jaemin’s. 

Jeno smiles at Jaemin who was in the middle of unpacking their kitchen supplies. Under the beams of sunlight that slips through the window, his fiance looks so ethereal. The light reflects from his blue hair forming like a halo around his head. His long lashes fans his cheeks as he looks down at the tags they put in the boxes. Even his movements looked like something out of a performance from the ballet. 

Maybe Jaemin is the prince of the faeries. He chuckles to himself. How can someone look like this and be a real person? How could Jeno be so lucky? His smile grows wider at the thought but then this ever present voice reminds him the real reason. But he deludes himself thinking they got together normally like other couples did. Didn’t they?

Before he gets guilty for thinking that way, Donghyuck bumps his shoulder. “Stop checking Jaemin out and help us. This is your house, not ours.”

Jaemin looks up at the mention of his name and gives them the signature Jaemin smile, so warm, so loved.

Renjun snaps his fingers at Jaemin who was helping with the kitchen. “More unpacking and less flirting, c’mon.” 

Both Jaemin and Jeno rolled their eyes and giggled silently at their friends’ expense. Unfortunately, Renjun noticed Jaemin wasn’t doing anything and caught the couple giggling. “Hyuck, get Jeno out of here. He’s distracting Jaemin.”

Donghyuck does a little salute to his boyfriend and drags Jeno back in the front yard where there are still boxes needed to carry inside the house. “You’re still in the honeymoon phase, huh? How do you do it?” Jeno smiles at his friend’s question. “It’s not really hard to love Jaemin.”

Donghyuck is one of Jeno’s friends who didn’t know anything about their past. Even though Renjun is now his boyfriend, he’s glad he didn’t disclose anything to Donghyuck. Whenever he’s with him, Jeno likes to think they are as normal as any other couple like Donghyuck and Renjun.

“I’m just glad you’re with him, man. If not for you, I wouldn’t be with my little fox.” Donghyuck jokes and Jeno just chuckles with him. When they arrived at the truck, there were still piles and piles of boxes. Donghyuck thinks they couldn’t do it on their own. 

“Hey, where are those two brats, earlier? We couldn’t do this, just the two of us,” Donghyuck complains to Jeno and he starts to look around. Jeno hears hushed voices from the backyard where the garden is. 

“Maybe they’re in the backyard? Wait here, I’ll check them out.” Donghyuck just waves him away as he sits on one of the boxes. Autumn is starting soon but there are days where summer just wants to stick around longer. “I’m going to the kitchen to get some lemonade!” Donghyuck hollers at Jeno and he just nodded. 

As Jeno neared the backyard, the voices became louder, it sounded like bickering. 

“--I thought this would be easy but no, this house is cursed!” Chenle quietly exclaims. “Can’t you keep your voice down, someone might hear you.” Jisung reprimands him. When Jeno arrives at the backyard, he sees both of them hunchback pulling something from the ground. “Hey kids, what are you doing?”

Both Chenle and Jisung freeze as if they got caught. They slowly turn to Jeno holding flowers in each of their hands. Jeno notices how they have piles of the flowers next to them too. “Gardening wasn’t part of the itinerary, we could do that next time.” Jeno tells them but the both of them stayed frozen.

“What’s wrong?” Jeno furrows his brows. It was Chenle who approached him with the flowers. “Doesn’t this look familiar to you, hyung?” Chenle gives Jeno a single stem of the flower. 

At first Jeno thought it was a daisy but then he realizes daisies were white, this one was purple. His furrowed brows deepen. “What am I supposed to do with this?” 

A realization dawned upon Jisung, “of course Jeno hyung doesn’t know, Chenle. He wasn’t there.” Chenle and Jeno looked at Jisung, both were confused. “Hyung these were the flowers Mark hyung used when he proposed to Jaemin hyung.” Jisung explains. 

At the mention of his best friend’s name, Jeno feels this sudden weight on his chest. Just when he was preventing himself from thinking about him earlier that day, now, he hears him from his own brother’s mouth. 

“They are called asters and it means undying love. I remembered that ‘cause I helped Mark hyung research about flowers before.” He hears Chenle say and sees Jisung hitting him with his elbow, reprimanding him that Jeno didn’t have to know that. 

He smiles instead, “it’s fine Jisung-ah. You don’t have to get rid of it.” But both Jisung and Chenle still looked worried as Jeno's smile didn’t reach his eyes. They know it was a sensitive topic that’s why they’re trying to get rid of it.

“But hyung, Jaeminie hyung is doing so much better, we can’t let have something that can trigger him again--” 

Jeno puts a hand on Jisung’s shoulder, “you’re right, he’s doing so much better so have a little faith in him.” Jeno gives them a tight smile before he walks back to the cottage. 

He can still hear them whispering to each other. “Isn’t it Mark hyung’s death anniversary tomorrow?” Chenle whispers to Jisung and he whips his head towards them again. Jisung shuts up Chenle with his hand. 

“There’s lemonade in the kitchen, help yourselves.” Jeno opens the door and waits for them to join him. Both of them kept quiet and ran inside. 

Jeno is left by the door, still holding it. He tries so hard to act like he doesn’t care, that he moved on. But how can he? When Mark’s ghost will forever be with them.

He admits even after five years since the accident, Jaemin still mourns for Mark as if he died yesterday. 

* * *

After a long day of unpacking, their little cottage feels like a little bit like home, now. Their friends bid goodbye after dinner, promising to come back tomorrow to help them more. Their kitchen, master bedroom and bathroom are almost done so they can comfortably sleep at their new house. Jaemin lets Jeno wash up first as he cleans up their table.

Jeno didn’t even realize he’s zoning out in the shower until Jaemin pulls the shower curtain. “I’ve been calling you like seven times already, Jen.” Jaemin worriedly said. Jeno didn’t mind if Jaemin was fully dressed and he was wet and naked. He pulled Jaemin into the shower, effectively wetting his clothes. Jaemin didn’t have the time to complain when Jeno looked so serious. 

“Love, is there something wrong?” He caressed Jeno’s strong jaw, not minding how his hair is sticking to his forehead, blinding a little bit of his vision. Jeno takes his hand and kisses his palm. 

“You love me--” Jaemin furrows his brows at Jeno, “--right, Nana?” Jeno adds. He can feel Jaemin freezes at the use of the familiar nickname. 

_ Mark’s nickname for him _ . 

Jaemin tries to act like it doesn’t affect him and shakes it off, smiling at Jeno. For a moment, Jeno would like to believe this was Jaemin’s initial reaction and not that face where he looked like he saw a ghost. 

“Of course, Nono, my Weno.” Jaemin says breathlessly and plants a kiss on his lips. But before he lets go of Jeno, Jeno presses his body against Jaemin.

Jeno’s kisses were desperate. He wants Jaemin to feel him. How he loves him. How he’s there for him. How he’s the one alive. 

But Jeno was getting aggressive. He has pinned Jaemin against the shower wall, pushing himself towards him more. Jaemin's hand are on his chest, quite surprised at the escalation of events. Jeno pushes himself more and more, letting Jaemin feel him skin to skin. His hands explore Jaemin's every curve and crevice of his body.

For a moment Jaemin feels the heat forming between his legs. Jeno has never handled him this way before. He's still contemplating if he likes this or not. But Jeno is starting to bite his lips, he can taste blood and that's never a good sign.

Jaemin starts to feel claustrophobic so he begs Jeno to let him breathe but he can’t even have a moment to talk as Jeno devours his mouth. 

He used all of his strength to push Jeno away. He sees this man drunk with something he doesn’t recognize. Jeno’s eyes were hooded, his lips were swollen, Jaemin could see his hand scratches in Jeno’s chest. And of course, Jeno’s obvious erection under the shower. 

"Why did you stop, we're just starting, love." Jeno approaches him once again but Jaemin rejects him. It doesn't stop him from kissing Jaemin, again. Jaemin slaps his face away. "I said no, Jeno!" 

Jeno feels the sting on his face. That seemed to wake him up under the trance he was in. “I’m not sure what’s going on but I don’t know this person. The Jeno I know is gentle and loving." Jeno sees Jaemin's lips quiver, his eyes were glassy but he was still trying to give a brave face.

_ Oh, baby. _

"Enjoy your cold shower, I’m going to bed.” Jaemin exits the shower, leaving Jeno to contemplate what’s he’s done.

The moment Jeno enters their bedroom, Jaemin is facing the wall, already asleep. Jeno sighs and gets under the covers. He wants to apologize and cuddle with Jaemin but he lets him be for now. He'll apologize first thing in the morning. 

* * *

_ Jeno took a gap year. He didn't know what he wanted to do so he used his savings to travel the world. When he came back to Seoul, his best friend, Mark, was the first one who welcomed him back.  _

_ He was hugging his best friend when he saw  _ **_him_ ** _. _

_ He was a vision with his pink hair. He had a shy but attractive smile. Jeno wasn't a believer of love at first sight, however, he knew in that moment, perhaps he was experiencing it.  _

_ Before he could let himself fall deeper, Mark introduced him as his fiancé.  _

_ "I'm sorry, what?"  _

_ Both Mark and Jaemin had shy smiles while they intertwined their hands. "Jaemin is the one for me, Jen." And Jeno remembers how pretty Jaemin's blush was and how he wished he was the reason behind it.  _

_ He knew the moment he met him, he was preparing himself for a heartbreak. How could he fall in love with his best friend’s fiance? What kind of best friend was he? _

_ It doesn’t help how the more he gets to know Jaemin, the deeper he falls. He knows it’s wrong, and he’s only hurting himself. But he sees exactly what Mark sees and he can’t help it.  _

_ But he can do Mark dirty, he’s the best friend who was more like a family than his own blood relatives. He’ll have to keep this betrayal to his grave. And learn to live loving his best friend’s husband in solitude. _

_ Jeno stays away. Even if he was the best man in the wedding, he tries not to get involved in their affairs. At first, it was working. He considered seeing this girl but anytime Jaemin needed him, he dropped everything and came running to him. Obviously, that didn’t sit well with his girlfriend. _

_ One night, when he was on a date with her, Jaemin has been calling him multiple times. His girlfriend made him choose between her and his best friend’s fiance. Like the fool he is, he chose Jaemin that night.  _

_ The very same night where Mark and Jaemin got into an accident.  _

_ There was a drunk driver and Mark could’ve avoided him, if not for Jaemin sulking over something he couldn’t remember anymore. Jaemin purposely didn’t listen to Mark and Mark had to take off his seat belt to protect Jaemin from the crash.  _

_ Jeno found Jaemin blooded sitting in the hospital waiting room. He was afraid it was his but Jaemin quickly told him it was Mark’s, that Mark was in danger because of him. He rushes to the ER’s doors and sees Mark in the middle of the hospital staff, doing the best they can to help him. A nurse closed a curtain around the bed, completely obscuring Jeno’s sight.  _

_ No one blamed Jaemin, he was a victim too. But Jeno knew he was blaming himself. Jaemin didn’t leave his side after that. But at one moment he did, Mark woke up.  _

_ Jeno was relieved his best friend was okay. He was about to call the doctor when Mark stopped him. “Take care of him, please.” He says in his hoarse voice. “What?” Jeno furrows his brows. “Take care of Jaemin.” Mark says louder but his voice was still hoarse, Jeno can barely decipher what he said. He doesn’t want Mark to exhaust himself so he came closer to his face.  _

_ “I see how you look at him, Jen.” Mark whispers. Jeno was horrified. He thought he was doing a good job in hiding his feelings. He didn’t tell a soul. He made a promise to bring it to his grave. How did Mark know? _

_ Who is he kidding? Mark knows Jeno like the back of his hand. Of course, he’ll notice. “I don’t hate you for it.” Mark chuckles breathlessly, to liven up the mood. He reaches for Jeno’s hand. “I’m kinda glad you love Nana the way I do--,” his eyes were glassy, his voice was shaking, his lips were pale. The picture in front of Jeno is not what he wants to see. Mark looked like he was giving up. He’s giving up Jaemin to him. He’s giving up life. “--It means I can go without any worries.”  _

_ Despite anticipating that Jeno was still alarmed, that wasn’t something a person who wants to live would say. He shakes his head as he presses the button to alert the doctors. Jeno holds Mark’s hand. “No, you do that, instead. I’m not doing you any favor Mark Lee.” He sees Mark’s faint smile, as if he knows Jeno was lying. He takes one last look at his best friend, telling him to honor his last words before closing his eyes.  _

_ Right after Mark closes his eyes, Jaemin burts into the room together with the hospital staff. “Mark! Mark! NO!” Jeno tries to hold him back as the nurses and doctors examine Mark’s body. A nurse pushes them out of the room and Jaemin keeps thrashing in Jeno’s arms.  _

_ Jeno could only hold Jaemin as they waited for the doctor.  _

_ He could only hold him tight when the doctor pronounced Mark dead.  _

_ Jeno continued to hold Jaemin tighter as they both cried for their loss. _

* * *

He was always a light sleeper so when he heard Jaemin sniffing to himself, he knew then. 

The downside of knowing Jaemin is not only does Jeno know what he’ll love, he also knows if his fiance was suffering. And Jeno can’t do anything about it.If only he could take all the pain, all the heartbreak and have them to himself, he would. 

It doesn’t help how Jaemin is aware that Jeno is listening to him while he weeps to himself. He knows he hears him, but he doesn’t know what to say.

Jeno would think it was him who was beside Jaemin but why does he feel like his fiance was craving for someone else’s touch? 

He was the one keeping him warm but the cold hands of a ghost were Jaemin’s salvation. 

Jeno was the one who could hold him but Jaemin rather curled up on his own, thinking of a former lover. 

It has been like this ever since they got together three years ago. Nights filled with crying, questions looming over their heads, the ghost living right between in their relationship. 

Jaemin used to be inconsolable during the first year. Him and Mark may have been dating only a few months before getting engaged but they were both convinced they were each other’s soulmates. That was it. They have their whole life planned with a beautiful home, beautiful pets, beautiful life together. And one accident snatches all that away. 

He constantly blames himself and Jeno tries his best to convince him otherwise. 

In the second year, Jaemin considered going for therapy. It was a long journey and it was only recently that he was acting like the same Jaemin before the accident. 

Everybody thought he’s getting better. He may look better during the day, but the demons he faces at night remain. And with that, he drags Jeno with him. 

Jeno wants to put the blame on anyone. But he knows he can’t because he lost his best friend too. He may not know the degree of pain Jaemin is feeling but he feels it nonetheless. 

_ He lost Mark, too.  _

Jeno can never blame Jaemin for feeling this way because he, too, was still mourning over his best friend. He might not be mourning in Jaemin’s way but he’s mourning every time he sees Jaemin smile, he hears his laughter, he feels him against his skin. This should’ve been Mark’s place but there he was. He was the reason for Jaemin's smiles, eating Jaemin’s cooking, and receiving Jaemin’s kisses. 

Jeno is in his own personal hell for loving Jaemin like this. It doesn’t feel like he earned this place. He feels he doesn’t deserve to be on Jaemin's side. 

He kept thinking he was only there because he was honoring Mark’s last words. But he wants to be there because he genuinely loves Jaemin. He loves Mark but Mark is not here anymore. So why is he still walking on broken glass?

Jeno was too caught up with his thoughts that he didn’t notice Jaemin hyperventilating. He quickly grabs Jaemin’s face, forcing him to look at him. “Breathe in, breath out, breath in, breathe out.” Jenot tells him like a mantra. And Jaemin tries to follow him as he tries to normalize his breathing. 

It took awhile for Jaemin to calm down. But once Jaemin was breathing okay, again, he breaks down in Jeno’s arms. He wets Jeno’s shirt as he continues to cry.

Jeno whispers, “I love you, we’ll get through this, we’ll get past this.” He runs his fingers through Jaemin’s hair and creates circles on his back. It was supposed to comfort him but it only made Jaemin cry more. He feels he didn’t deserve Jeno’s kindness.

Jaemin tries to talk but Jeno just shakes his head, he doesn’t need to say anything. This is the first time Jeno acknowledges Jaemin’s mourning at night. This is the first time he was holding him years after the accident.

“I-I know you’d rather have him here--” Jaemin shakes his head furiously at what Jeno said. “What are you talking about? Is that what you’ve been thinking all this time?” Jaemin’s voice was so quiet, so small, so fragile. Jeno was afraid he'd hurt him more. 

Jeno nods after a beat. He can’t even face Jaemin as he admits his worth in Jaemin’s life. He was about to break away from him when Jaemin kissed him. 

He didn’t realize he was crying as well until he felt the tears against his cheeks. At first he thought it was Jaemin’s but he had to let go of Jaemin’s face and sob on his own. This is the first time he’s letting himself cry in front of Jaemin. He always thought he needed to be strong for the both of them. That if he showed any weakness, Jaemin wouldn’t depend on him like all this time. 

Jaemin caresses his face, wipes out the tears in his cheeks. “I don’t want you to think like that--” He whispers, voice so gentle. Jeno sees his lips quiver, his eyes look like he was afraid of something. He sees the war in Jaemin’s head. 

“M-Mark--” Jaemin gulps. “M-Mark just visits me in my dreams every now and then, that’s all.” Jaemin tries to downplay it but they both know how severe it was. Jeno lets him be. 

“I-I know I’m a person with a lot of baggage. And you’ve been so patient, s-so loving, that sometimes I ask the heavens why I have you.” Jaemin sobs and Jeno holds Jaemin’s torso. “You’ve been so understanding, so good, and you’ve been through so much because of me--” Jeno was about to protest but Jaemin stops him. “Let me finish, love.”

“I know it breaks your heart to see me crying like this over him but just a little more, love.” Jaemin pleads and it breaks Jeno’s heart again.

“Just a little more.” He parrots as he tightens his hold on Jeno. 

“Be a little more patient with me. Please hold me a little tighter. Kiss me a little harder.” Jaemin sobs in between big drops of tears against his cheeks. Jeno tightens his hold on Jaemin and gives him a kiss. Jaemin chuckles bitterly between the kisses. 

Jeno looked like a puppy waiting for his master’s orders. He looked at Jaemin, as if asking him what he wants. Jaemin looked like his heart was aching, Jeno liked to think he was.

“Mark will always be with me. I’m just still learning to live with his ghost in me.” Jaemin admits without his voice shaking. Saying out loud was very courageous of him. Saying out loud makes it more even real. That after all those years, he is still suffering. 

Jeno lets go from Jaemin’s grasp and grabs his face. “Bear the burden with me.” He whispers, almost pleading. “I’m here.” Jeno reminds him, as if Jaemin doesn’t know he was there. Jaemin was lost for a second but Jeno says, “I lost him too so please let me in--” he hugs Jaemin and faces the window where the moonlight gracefully illuminates their bed. “--and let’s cry together.”

Jeno could see Jaemin’s reflection from the window and he looked like he was processing what Jeno said. It breaks Jeno's heart when he realizes not once did it cross Jaemin's mind to ask help from him. He caresses Jaemin’s face once again, and leans in for a kiss. Jaemin accepts despite the salty tears and disgusting snot. 

He never heard Jaemin verbally agreeing but his tight hold on Jeno’s shirt is enough for him for now. Jaemin burrows himself against Jeno’s chest, making himself small. Jeno slowly rocks them from side to side, lulling Jaemin to sleep like a baby. 

Jeno hears soft snores coming from Jaemin. He holds Jaemin’s head and back and he brings his fiance with him as he lays back. Jaemin snuggles him as he dreams of him and Jeno for the first time.

Jeno can never replace Mark in Jaemin’s life. And that’s okay. It was never his intention to replace him. 

Jeno just wants to be Jaemin’s and that’s who he is. He wants to believe that now.

Mark’s ghost may never leave them and that’s okay, too.

They’ll mourn for him together now. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi! [twt](https://twitter.com/daninichuu)


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